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| hey......
well i am so upset about chris right now and i know i can express my self about it here
well ok so i change my WHOLE dam life for you.. i even gve up friends for you and love you and everything but yet you cant do shit for me.. like i dont mean anything... i mean you are my life.. if you were not my life then i would not have gone to your house after try outs... if i didnt love you i wouldnt skip with you or anyting if i ddnt love you i would get jealous and if i didnt love you i wouldnt be wanting to be with you so bad but yet that is never good enough... like me i am never going to be good enough... i knew i couldnt i changed my whole life i pretty much saved you from death and yet still not good enough... i could never tell you not to be friends with them but sometimes i wish he wouldnt but yet that is WAY to drastic for him... i mean heavan forbid that i love you and i cry almost every night about this and forget that i want to be with you and i love you and you know i would give up ANYONE even my best friend as long as i loved you for the rest of my life and that will never change.. your the only guy who hates choloate like me, the only guy who loves country like me, the only guy who want a hudge portch like me, the only person who wants a lot of kids like me, the ohne person who wants horses, and a big house, and want twins and i mean i have to give all that up because we fight to much... i might be in highschool but when i feel this way it is hard... i dont want to end up like my parents and fight and yell and scream and i dont want my kids to have to go through what i did and what chris did and so i wanted to be with someone who knows what it is like and knows and doesnt want that either but that will never happen anymore.. we fight way to much
well i also miss jessika this month is so hard for me like seriously no one will know i kinda wish i was with her.. i just wish i could go to her grave... i am way to scared and no one will understand how i want to go and talk forever and tell her what is on my mind but no one will know i just want her to know i love her i do everyhting for jessika i just wish she loved me eough to call me but gotta go
jessika i love you baby never forget that!!!!!!!
cassie
my mommy and brother... cute right
me and my best friend!
| | |
| hey,
well i have been thinking about jessika a lot since spring show i was so upset and crying so much about her like seriously i cant live with out her sometimes.....
well to much drama with guys.... like with ray like seriously one day you want to be with me and you i mean the world to me and you so called love me and then within 20 min. you odnt want to try with me and forget me and what not like what the hell like seriously whayt the fuck did i ever do to you for you to randomly treat me like shit like for real.... but i mean what can i do i am only one person with 2 hands and 2 feet and one heart to love only 1 person
but yeah i dunno and this erika i love her so much and to see her get hurt... hurts me she is the only thing i got close to jessika and like it is hard for her to tell me things that i know hurt me and so i just hope that she is really ok and she knows i am always here for her and never will leave her and i am here to listen and i am here when no one else is or she think no one else is...... i do love her a lot
well yeah and then when jonathan lied to me..... he hurt me so bad i dont think he really understands how much he hurts me when he lies like seriously i am not mad at anyone else but him and it makes me mad that he would lie after almost 3 years of a realtionship and best friends.... and for him to lie to me for NO REASON!!!!!!!!!! and like i almost ended our friendship and i really wanted to i mean like why like seriously why does everyone hurt me in some way... why cant i ever be good enough?
yeah enough cryng for the night i am gone bye guys call me on my new cell phone! | | |
| i love you so much baby girl you have no i dea how much i cry without you and i always will love you!!!!!
i want to be with you so bad | | |
| hey,
well i am sitting here all upset thinking about jessika i guess people dont know how much it kills me everyday to not see her and hang out with her and i feel like my world is crushing in and it hurts really bad like seriously...... i dunno how to even start to say how i feel!
well with krysta how can you be so low? like seriously how can you sit there and talk shit aobut my best friend like i loved her to death i did everyting for her like whatever i could i did i would fight people for her i would get demerits for her i would lie for her and now it seems like a waste and i have nothing to show for it and now some bitch somes and sits and talks shitr about the ONE PERSON I CARED ABOUT THE MOST!!! i bet she regrests everything or she better soon me and amanda are going to get her soon that stupid whore has everyhitng coming to her and more i swear to fucking god she better watch her back and i dont care how much trouble i get in i would do anyhitng for her if she was alive i would do anyhting for her if she was dead.... i dare krysta to talk some more shit i really do she is going to regret it so much and i am glad she said something i now can let some anger out about her and tell her how i really feel and this is so good for me.. i wish i didnt have all the anger though i wish ididnt feel as GUILTY... but i always will there was something i could have done and i didnt and so i dunno i need to really let some feelings out i think that is why i am crying i think!
and about this guy...... there is something about him i get everytime we talk and loko at eachother i just smile and get that happiness i want so bad and like he dimples are so cute i wish i could like sit there and talk to him and tell him and like i cant i just cant jonathan wont like it he will get all mad!!! i wish i didnt have him up my ass 24/7 i wish i could date whoever i wanted and he could date whoever he wanted and so i dunno it is so frustrating and like some people know i like him but i just cant bring y self to tell jonathan and stuff so i dunno i am crying about it... i found out he liked another girl!!! like seriously i was so mad i didnt tihnk i had that big of a crush on him but i do like seriously am i that lame... that i cry over a guy and then all of these other emotons came up but whatever i g2g
cassie
i still love you baby girl i am going to d my best to do whateveri can to get you!
r.i.p my bestest friend in the whole wide world! | | |
| IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:24:50 PM): so are you going to do anything to krysta?
BlondeDancin4u (7:25:38 PM): when i see her ima say sumthin.... i she dont shut her fuckin mouth ima hit her good....unless ur gonna do somethin.... i'll def. jump in
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:25:55 PM): i am
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:26:00 PM): that is all i now
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:26:01 PM): know
BlondeDancin4u (7:26:22 PM): jus tell me when... i'll be there
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:26:48 PM): i know we hate eachother and shit but i know jessika ment something so i might as well let you join the fun
BlondeDancin4u (7:27:18 PM): haha ya...i no wut ur sayin...i feel the same way
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:28:18 PM): well i just need to fund out wherre she lives and i will prob. go over there next weekend or this weekend
BlondeDancin4u (7:28:45 PM): ok thats cool....u still got my number?
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:29:24 PM): uhhh i think why?
BlondeDancin4u (7:30:38 PM): just if you need it and when you go take care of her too.... i defanently dont wanna miss it
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:30:51 PM): ohhh
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:30:57 PM): if not erika can give it to me
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:30:59 PM): and also....
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:31:59 PM): amanda.. i want you to know i apoligze for whatever i did but yeah i dont want to be friends with you i just would rather hate you and not be friends with you then try to work this out i dont honestly want to cry anymore then what i have and so to know in my heart i apoligzed and said sorry and know i feel better about it there it is
BlondeDancin4u (7:34:45 PM): me too...i'm glad we feel the same way at least....i no i said some things i shouldnt of and i apologize too.....but i did promise that i'd always be here no matter wut.... and ima stick to that... even tho we def. dont get along anymore... next year i we try out for officer we're gonna have to get used to workin to geather... and we are around each other alot... i agree wit wut u jus said
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:35:21 PM): yeah it is kinda hard though i will give that...
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:35:27 PM): trust me i think about you alot....
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:35:45 PM): it kinda sucks things work out diff then we wanted
BlondeDancin4u (7:37:22 PM): i do too....and it sux ass that it had to end that way... but at least we're both mature enough to come back and put the past behind us...and move on....i saw you doin your solo...i almost cried
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:37:50 PM): yeah it is hard every day knowing you dont have a best friend or any friend really
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:38:11 PM): and plus knowing in that song it talks about smiles and she had the perfect one
BlondeDancin4u (7:38:24 PM): did she ever
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:38:30 PM): yeah..
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:38:35 PM): and the way she would try to dance with us
BlondeDancin4u (7:38:45 PM): hahaha yah
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:38:55 PM): or when we got drunk...
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:39:50 PM): some of the best times i have ever had...
BlondeDancin4u (7:39:59 PM): haaaaaaa ya...n that strawberry drink she made
BlondeDancin4u (7:40:03 PM): defanently
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:40:05 PM): ha ha
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:40:17 PM): i am like bawling my eyes out thinking about this
BlondeDancin4u (7:40:22 PM): me too
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:41:07 PM): it just really sucks
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:41:13 PM): like i seruously miss her so much
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:41:27 PM): i miss the parties
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:41:28 PM): the dancing
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:41:31 PM): the drinking
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:41:33 PM): banquet
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:41:46 PM): i miss everything
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:41:52 PM): i smell her clothes everyday
BlondeDancin4u (7:42:47 PM): i no cassie... and more so for you then anybody else.....i dont no how you do it... i mean wut i said to you when all this happened... im always here for you even tho things went bad....it doesnt change wut i said bout that
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:43:17 PM): i remeber when we both found out all we could do is hug eachother and never let go and cried forever and sat together
BlondeDancin4u (7:44:18 PM): especially that first day...when we ran up to each other in the middle of tha hall by the buffalo
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:45:54 PM): yeah
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:46:33 PM): sometimes i wonder what would have happened if we have stayed friend
BlondeDancin4u (7:46:42 PM): ya me too
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:47:04 PM): i just miss her so much
BlondeDancin4u (7:48:14 PM): i can only imagine....you have no idea how bad i have wanted to fix that for you.... but i cant...and i hate it... i cant even begin to imagine being here wit out erika
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:48:42 PM): i know
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:48:49 PM): she has helped me alot
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:49:05 PM): the hardest thing i did was call her phone and some other lady answered
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:49:11 PM): they gave her # out again
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:49:16 PM): and not be able to hear her voice
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:49:19 PM): and talk to her
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:50:01 PM): it is hard not having you as a friend to in a way
BlondeDancin4u (7:50:30 PM): i wish they didnt have to do that....i no wut mean.... its hard to explain...but i no wut u mean
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:51:00 PM): and not only that but like why jessika like seriously
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:51:04 PM): i lame my self everyday
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:51:08 PM): blame myself
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:51:18 PM): i have tried doing the same just so i can go and be with her
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:51:22 PM): i miss her that fucking much
BlondeDancin4u (7:53:11 PM): i no u have.... i can jus sense it in you... and it scares me alot... i no a billion people telly ou this... but your not to blame....you were the bestest friend to her... but i no if i put my self in your shoes... and erika in jessikas.... i would feel the exact same way
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:04 PM): but i mean i was suppose to do something
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:09 PM): it ismy my fault
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:13 PM): i should have stayedon the phone
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:16 PM): i should have loved herm ore
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:20 PM): i should have stayed then ight
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:25 PM): i should have done sometihng
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:27 PM): and i didnt
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:30 PM): i didnt
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:37 PM): and now she is dead b/c i didnt say anyhting
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:41 PM): i thought was going to be ok
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:54:43 PM): and she wasent
BlondeDancin4u (7:58:09 PM): cassie i was talkin to her om aim and she told me when she put in a new xanga entry n i went and read it...and didnt take it seriously... i have so much guilt for that....i thought she was jus talkin like she always did....but i never knew that she always had felt like that....thats the first time i've said that to anyone.....and it literally tears me up in side.... i could have done something so i no by me telling you.... that you couldnt have done anything...it just happend... would be wrong for me to say when i feel a bit of wut u feel too..... i jus wish we could take back time sooooooooo much
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:59:03 PM): i know
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:59:15 PM): i wish we could still be hanging out and friends nothing wrong
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (7:59:22 PM): it seems like life sucks for us forever now
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:00:06 PM): like there is nothing out there for us but heark break and parents who dont care and friends who hate us and relations ships that wont last and best friend dying and people hurting and parents yelling and scream and beating us
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:01:04 PM): i just wish it could have been me and not her
BlondeDancin4u (8:02:33 PM): i no.... no matter how much we talk about how much fun we're haveing right now... the hangin out wit friends, meeting new people, guys etc.... everything else bad jus comes crawling up behind it... i wish it didnt have to be anybody... i'd still be gowing through this if it were you and not her.... i wish none of this would of happened
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:03:52 PM): i know
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:04:21 PM): but if i could have just said i loved youo ne more time i would have
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:04:24 PM): shit i should have
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:04:26 PM): and i didnt
BlondeDancin4u (8:05:53 PM): no matter what happened...or wut we should have done..... theres always gonna be that guilt and regret.....i wish it didnt have to be that way
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:07:13 PM): yeah and not only that but thinking about her ALL the time
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:07:22 PM): i rmeebr when we put pic. right next to us so she could be right by us
BlondeDancin4u (8:07:32 PM): at the game.... ya
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:07:35 PM): yeah
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:07:42 PM): and we danced for her that night....
BlondeDancin4u (8:07:54 PM): and cried while doin it
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:08:01 PM): i remeber when i sent then ight and i woke you guys up saying her name
BlondeDancin4u (8:09:29 PM): ya... it scared me sooo bad.... not only cuz you were yelling it... but because thats when i realized exactly how much you were hurting...i probly still dont no how bad... but i no that i probly wouldnt be able to handle it
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:10:12 PM): i cant
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:10:36 PM): people dont know how much i have tried tokill my self that is how much i miss her
BlondeDancin4u (8:14:56 PM): i wish i could change that....i dunno wut i would do if i also had to go through loseing you too.... and if you ever became succsessful at it i would never forgive my self....because i feel like i should have stopped jessika...and prevented you wit all this hurting too......i dont care if no one else will listen to you...i will..even tho things took a turn or the worst....i will listen
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:16:05 PM): it is hard like seriously i wish i could people could know how muchi miss her and think about her every day and you know life just sucks
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:16:10 PM): like seriously
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:17:07 PM): you know i guess sence you will listen might as well get it off my chest...
BlondeDancin4u (8:17:34 PM): really tho..... it sux sooooo bad
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:20:41 PM): well like with jessikao mg why like seriously like 1st i lost my fav. cousin and now her i dont need this bull shit the person i thought would be at my weedng we even talked abut having one together i mean common we were so close we slept nacked and everyhitng imean what the hell am i suppose to do now i dont have a best friend AT ALL i barley have any girl friends and that is only erika and she is such a great perosn in my life but she can only be there so much for me... and like not only that but gettig her clothes like i smelt them and lost it when mom left i just sat inside and cried and went to erikas and cried some mroe it is so hard knowing i could have should have stoped her and i didnt and not only that but then with you like seriously i didnt want this shit to happen the way it did but i did and it sucks like seriously amanda if you only knew everything that goes on in my head every time is ee you and thinking aobt jessika or when you say something and i know you odnt mean it and everyhting it justis so hard know i can never be friends with you or jessika or alot of peope again
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:22:52 PM): and then with home being hit by my dad is the hardest thigni n my life i have to go through everyday i am so sick of life i am so sick of not being good enbough for people
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:23:08 PM): and like not being a good friend, daighter, dancer for mrs.g pr anything
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:23:13 PM): not a good enough friend for you
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:23:24 PM): not a good enough friend for jessika other wise she would still be here
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:23:40 PM): no good enough for mrs g. because if i did i wouldnt get yelled at
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:23:47 PM): i am so sick of having to life my life so sucky
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:23:52 PM): and wishing i could change it
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:23:59 PM): you know idont want to hate you
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:24:02 PM): you know what i want...
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:24:39 PM): i want to walk into school and hug you and tell you life might suck but i am always here
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:24:54 PM): you know i remeber we always thought we would be best friends after jessika
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:25:05 PM): and like now it is impossible to be friends.... with people
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:25:07 PM): everyone hates me
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:25:12 PM): and so it is so hard
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:25:22 PM): knowing you have no friends and the ones you did ave hate you and think your fat
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:28:35 PM): and like going through life with everyhitng going wrong in your life and nothing else
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:28:55 PM): i mean like seriously amanda... if i could right now i would have already blown my self up
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:29:01 PM): that is how much i want to be gone...
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:29:13 PM): i am so sick of trying with this life...
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:29:19 PM): i am so sick of sitting here crying
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:29:25 PM): i am so so sick of being hurt...
BlondeDancin4u (8:30:09 PM): i no cassie... i feel the same way wit you when i see you.....it still pisses me off...but i miss it ALOT....and i dont want to be mad at you either.... but i dont hate you....and i dont think your fat... i'm seriously sorry i said that... i dont remember saying it but im pretty sure if it hurt you that i might have... and i didnt mean it... honestly...i'm still here for you... i'll still listen to you.... i'll let you hug me and i'll hug you back... jus because things didnt work out doesnt mean we have to become strangers....you are a great dancer....i watched you today.... your good....i'm not even tryna be sympathetic...you've gotten that alot... and i'm just telling you the truth
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:31:05 PM): people dont knwo what it is like ocming home from a good night at church and then calling you best friend mom and sitting outside and then hearing she is dead and she can never ocme back and see you
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:31:06 PM): and call you
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:31:10 PM): and tell you she loves you
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:31:13 PM): and sleeps naked
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:31:48 PM): yeah we can chose not to be strangers but i dont want anyone mad at you for talking to me or anything so maybe it is best we just not talk
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:32:44 PM): it is ok you said i was fat i dont eat much anymoee anway and i do about 200 sit up a day and run for 30 min. so i dont get that way
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:34:03 PM): i just feel like i cant doa nything right like i have no place in life... likeno one needs me for anything anymore.. jessika did but that was it
BlondeDancin4u (8:34:26 PM): i no wut u mean....i agree...to an extent...if you've got sumthin to say to me or want to tell me sumthin... dont heistate....i dont care wut other people have to say.... you've been a big part of my life... n nothings gonna change that
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:35:02 PM): but what is there to say anymore?
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:35:09 PM): we dont hang out.... we are not friends
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:35:10 PM): or anyhting
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:35:46 PM): i think the only thing we have in common anymorew is our mean our dads are...
BlondeDancin4u (8:35:55 PM): doesnt mean we still cant talk every now and then... like today... i mean it wasnt anything good that we talked about but.... iunno... i dont no how to explain it
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:36:18 PM): well in some way i think your saying you do want to be friend again....
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:38:33 PM): you know i am the only ramping on and on so why dont you tell me how you feel
BlondeDancin4u (8:43:09 PM): i do...but i dont... i do... but i dont... i miss wut we had.... but but with everything that happened... i jus dunno....and i no that doesnt help any... but i really dont no...i'm so lost and confused right now... its bout to take over me... i'm confused bout us, me n erika, me n my family, jessika, highsteppers... i jus dont no about anything anymore... i dont no wut to do anymore... when someone has a problem... i dunno wut to think or do.... everything has been a blur since jessika....i dont wanna loose you completly... but i dont wanna be friends.... i miss wut we had... and i still wanna talk every now n then n talk like we are now when we need someone to listen and understand and talk to....i really am severly confussed about life right now...and wut i want our of it and what to think about it????????
BlondeDancin4u (8:45:33 PM): if i ever loose someone (you,erika, anybody) close to me like jessika again... i dunno wut i'll do seriously
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:48:42 PM): it is hard i know
BlondeDancin4u (8:49:21 PM): but hey i gtg eat n take a shower n get ready for tomorrow...i'll ttyl
BlondeDancin4u (8:49:30 PM): i'm glad we talked
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:49:34 PM): yeah
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:49:36 PM): alot of crying
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:49:39 PM): but helpful;
BlondeDancin4u (8:49:45 PM): defanently
BlondeDancin4u (8:49:53 PM): c u later
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:49:57 PM): thanks for listening i feel alot better
IaMsTaCiEsMoM03 (8:50:05 PM): i still love you
BlondeDancin4u (8:50:33 PM): you too....i still love you also | | |
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